I think I am better off writing than talking. Like seriously, maybe because it is more organize and you can edit before you finalize the whole thing. And that is the exact reason why I decided to stay silent almost 89% of the time.
I didn't want this. Seriously, I did not. If I would had wanted it all along, I would had done it the first time it happened. Unfortunately, I am stern with my decision, even a 2-3 hours of heart-to-heart talk would not change my mind. I didn't do it in a rush neither was I influenced by somebody, I had been thinking about it even before anybody else had mention it to me, but I did a lot of thinking, a lot and I am still is to my decision. I'm sorry.
There's always a first time to everything. Always. And most things starts and could end, more for the good things, that is. But the bad ones seems to go on and on and it's hard for it to find a stop. It seems like the horrible living nightmare I gone through, came again, yet again. And it is really time, for a stop to it. And if no one is doing it, who will? Even if I have to stand on my own, and whatever is going to happen next, I believe I am in the right and every actions I made have it's reason.
Maybe it was not practiced since we were young. And I find it really awkward, really awkward to look at us talking about things that we had never did before. That is another huge reason I am keeping myself silent. Though it was much emphasized that everything should be poured out at that faithful night, I just can't open my mouth and vibrates my voice box, to talk. My ego was high, and I am so sure if I do talk, I will cry. I am feeling very very uncomfortable, I don't mind keeping whatever that lies deep beneath me. And seems like 97.298367% of blame is on me. Like in a debate, the competitors must have fair amount to fight. And I know, like in the court, and you are the suspect of the crime, but you're innocent, and you don't have anybody standing for you or lawyers to fight for you, but if you are right and innocent, no matter how the other side has got the most intelligent lawyer ever exist in the world and half of the world standing for him, you could still fight the case alone and win it for you are innocent. But like I mentioned, I am not the kind of person that is better in talking but writing.
I don't understand, still, where I really do go wrong and why every little bit of my step seems to be a mistake. And all my life it had been like that, even for the most slightest thing as small as an atom compared to the universe, it never fails to be a mistake that one could hardly forget and I hardly realized, when I think back it is really unreasonable to be pondering over. And humans are humans, they all do make mistakes but they barely forgives. And there's always a limit to everything and I think that explains the attitude I give. And more faults are made, more blames are placed. I got stressed over it, pressurized, and than they will blame it on other social responsibilities I choose to consider. I had never brought any of my attitude I have in the outside world back home. You can do a comparison, if happen to have the chance, and you could see the difference. But it's near to impossible, for the one that goes through and truly understands everything is no one else but ME.
Tell me, which leaving soul does not have the feeling anger or hatred in them? Everybody does but here, we have too much. Way too much that undesirable doings were done. It is just too hard for one to find the most perfect way to vent it out and as a result, we became detrimental. Sometimes, I have to admit I am like that too. More to verbal wise, that is.
So as for now, like I said, I will follow the flow. I'll try my best to satisfy the need of others even though I am not. But that is what was wanted, I'll put in effort to meet the requirements and do the expectations. About the "bond", I'm not sure, I didn't really see any good point about the conversation, because honestly, I feel like I want to bring myself away MORE than before. Ask "why?", it's difficult to explain, I searched but I can't find the reason anywhere.
It is not what I wanted. I swear it is NOT. But the people around, and what I am facing, makes me to do so. I don't mean to jeopardize the relationship that all of us have for I know blood is thinker than water, though the bond is not there. But I just can't help it anymore, this is for my own good, I am not being selfish, but I hope it was taken as a lesson, to me, you and everyone.
Orangedoll
is thankful for the clothes that fits a lil too snug;
it means she haf enuff to eat .
